Last band practice....

Today April 28th is my final band practice before I leave Malaysia. Feel a bit 'mm seh dak'. Been here for 6 years plus as an active member. I love my band, I love my instrument, I love my music. Going to miss it very much when I am in Japan, definitely.

I entered FeiYang Symphonic Band on 12 December 2004. It was my Lower Six STPM year. A real struggle. Band somehow gave me my life back. I found a passion besides throwing myself endlessly in just my studies. Music became my life. Not my hobby, mind you...but my passion. I hope when I am in Japan, I will be able to pursue my music and further it. I have something I wanted to learn for a long long time. I hope in Japan I will get the chance.

Talking about Japan, there is a lot I wanted to do and need to do. Explains why I am very much looking forward to it really. Although I do feel sad to leave my country, family and great friends here, but a new life awaits and I have a lot of things I wanted to pursue. I need to get a scholarship next year for my Masters, before that need to get my supervisor Professor to accept me as a student and pass the exam to get into the Master program. Hopefully, doing Global Studies. And I am also eying another university, which is the United Nations University located in Shibuya Tokyo. Hoping to get to study a course there, though I am not sure if my university will accept credits from this course. *cross finger*

A lot of people is asking me whether I will come back or not. Well...it is a difficult question to answer. If my Masters went well, I will take up 3 years in Japan, plus my one year language. In between will I be back for holidays? Well, my parents wanted me to come back for the new year, but I need to make sure I settle everything before I return, as that period of time is the time when I need to settle my applications, payments, visa and such. Most probably will return for short holidays during CNY, and after 3 years...err...depends on what I wanted to do by then. I think those who went overseas to study before will understand my feeling...it is not easy to tell now. Although now I would like to say I will return and do my PhD locally, but I do have some other things which if I wanted to do, Malaysia doesn't offer such opportunity. So, hm, lets leave this question after 3 years ok?

I wonder how will be Band be (back to the topic) without me, and how I will be without the band....

It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I updated my blog page. I think in the coming months it will be updated more about my experiences in Japan =)

Will be heading to Hachioji, Tokyo on May 2nd 11am. It is a Malaysia public hols...so my family and some friends can come send me off. Reaching Japan Narita at about 7.10pm. I half thought I am going to find my way to the dormitory alone at night as I have no idea which seniors will be in Japan by then, but lucky me, my guarantor Mr Ozaki and family, will come all the way from Yokohama, Japan to pick me up. If you guys want to know how is the distance like, it's like coming from Seremban (Yokohama) to Kuala Lumpur (Narita Airport) to pick me up, and then driving me to Ipoh (Hachioji)...and later...back to Yokohama. Really indebted to their kindness...else I will be lost in Tokyo at night.

Currently revising back my Japanese. I think my level is now at JLPT 4 (the old one...the new one has 5 levels). Although I have taken JLPT 3 and passed it, most of it has been returned to my Japanese Sensei. Geez...really need to study back as I hope I don't need to start from scratch in Japan. There will be a placement test to determine my level before the university classes start.

There will be plenty of challenges ahead now. I have no scholarship for my first year, and no idea if I will get any for my Masters...so it's really a wait-and-see year. Hopefully, my prayers will be answered and I will be able to fulfill my own dreams of doing peace-related researches.

Fell sick...got to go now...stay tuned!

Hello...

A long time abandoned blog. Hahaha. I guessed I am a more frequent user of Facebook notes. Find it easier to just...well, type and post hahaha.

Teaching tuition temporarily as I await fate to fall upon me in another say...a month and a half time. A bit worried really...I wanted to go, but it seems there will be plenty of problems coming along to stop me, or to trouble me if I did get the offer. Financial will be one of them, probably the biggest headache of all, and health, the other. Part of me says I am not too sure if my mental health can live up to being so far away from many of my sources of support...

But truly, I was glad to be given a chance to apply. Even to apply, there is a need of countless good fortune and shoten zenjin. If it wasn't for Ikeda Sensei establishing it nearly 40 years ago, if it wasn't for my seniors and comrades in Japan going around helping me out, if it wasn't for the guarantor who sent in all my forms and monies, when he never even met me before...I won't even have a chance to send in the application. Thank you all...

I know what I wanted and why I choose such a course which many would think weird or even unsuitable. Not surprising, as people now only think of courses, degrees and such only in terms of how much money they can generate and how high up the corporate ladder can they bring you. Too bad, I am not such a money person. Satisfaction matters more to me, a sense of purpose matters more to me, doing something that can contribute to world peace like what my Mentor is doing, is my dream too.

So...I will chase after it. I hope I will make it...

Harmony in diversity

Living in a world filled with miracles
With different faces, different thoughts
But we share a common bond
With courage in our hearts, and passion in our soul
We march on hand in hand to reach our final goal

One united voice, united vision
A marvelous chord, a clearer sight
It's a perfect creation
Let our glories be shared, let the borders disappear
With faith and wisdom in our lives, we have nothing to fear

We were bound by diversities
But we will sing in harmony
For dreams, for love, for peace, for humanity
Open up your heart and sing
Let our friendship spread its wings
Soaring the eternal skies of endless springs
We are unique in diversities
But we can sing in harmony
We help, we care, we share our loves in sincerity
Pray together in a rhythm
For happiness and freedom
Together we will make this a glorious world

Although there's high and low, although it's hard to learn
We plan our steps and set our goals to bridge two different worlds
Let the mountains made low
Let the valleys be sewed
We cry a single voice of peace in eternity it echoes

*Chorus

****************

Great song. But it always want to make me cry. It always reminded me of one specific event...6.15 celebration in 2008. It was the finale song...and during the final performance day of the 6.15 event, which was held in the open air basketball court in kaikan...it rained. I seen many members came early, sat in the basketball court with their umbrellas opened, and put their palms together and chanted for the rain to stop. But it didn't. Ended up all the music groups and choir groups did not perform that day due to the fact they cannot set up the mic system because of the rain...

I am a musician. I am a gakkai musician. I entered music group because I was deeply touched by their music when I was deep in depression. It saved my life. It gave me back a life to look forward to. And I look forward to every single performance because I treasure every chance I have to go on stage and play on behalf of sensei, encouraging every single person who is listening to us.

In my nearly 5 years of playing in band...there was probably one other time that I felt so upset besides the time when we were told we will not be performing....it was when I was struggling with my technique that has been badly wrong. My conductor and sister told me I cannot perform until I manage to fix my technique, because the mistake, if left unfixed, could be detrimental to the rest of my clarinet playing years. I was in the UM library when I had this MSN conversation with her. I nearly cried there and then...feeling so lost. My only mind was to perform for the people...now that I can't...what's the point of playing music? I gave up performing that concert, until my other conductor persuaded me to continue playing...but my heart is already broken and confidence gone... But a bigger resolve came in, and the next concert that our band organised that year, I improved so much, that I was given a solo part, and all my effort was answered because I finally hit my 3.0 CGPA that semester.

During the 6.15 that night, we were asked to put down our instruments in the canteen and prepare for the finale. I remembered how I hanged on to every hope that we will be asked to pick back up our instruments and continue with our performance. How I stood, unable to stop the tears of crying band members who were so upset because her family who are none members, manage to make it all the way to kaikan that night and yet, we weren't performing. How, when we were finally asked to walk from the canteen to the basketball court (without instruments) for the finale, my tears just dropped. Every single step I took nearer to the basketball court just hurts so much. The members who have been there the whole night are unable to hear us play. I wasn't crying for myself, I was crying for them. I was crying for the fact we are unable to fulfill our mission that night. Though I tried to tell myself that the finale will be our last performance and we must sing and dance our hearts out (for your info...I hated dancing), I still can't forget the fact that I cannot play my clarinet for them...Ouch....

The song still bring back the memories. I cannot finish singing it during the Reunion...partly because I was coughing so badly, partly was because I nearly wanted to cry....

Pre and Post Graduation

Undoubtedly...I am graduating soon. Just finished my first Introduction to Peace and Humanities paper yesterday. Will have a second one tomorrow...one more next week, and a final one the week after. Officially ending 4th May 2009. Convocation in middle August.

I have attended nearly 3 interviews I guessed...and have another 3 upcoming. Looking at the newspaper with the unemployment stories around...frankly speaking it is a worrying time. I don't know how well I would fare compared to other job-seekers...what's more...with my result of a 2nd Class. Not like I am the first class students...to make things worst, I am opting for a totally different job scope from what I am doing right now. I am looking into banking, training, sales, marketing... Practically anything that will allow me my second phase learning of economics and business. Many wonder why I don't continue with MBA since I was so damn sure I will do it one day. Well, MBA in local uni require working experience la...and MBA elsewhere can burn a hole in my pocket. Unlike some people, I have to pay for my own education.

It was a time of uncertainty. Lucking chanting gives me the confidence to push on and accept nothing less than what I think is best for me. This first job after graduating must do more than just supporting my life and allowing me the freedom for kosenrufu activities...it must fulfill another mission that I will place as utmost importance...but sounded quite impossible.

This is where I got stuck. I have something in mind that I would wish to see through in the near future. But it sounded so impossible...that I don't even know how am I suppose to start..or where to start. I just know I wanted it...but geez...how? Sometimes when people begin to question me, why did you want to do that? Frankly speaking I got so tired of answering it, I began to shut up about it and not mention it anymore until one day I ALREADY got it and confirm doing it. What a sad thing la..I wished I had somebody to support me in my decision and help me see through what sources I could find to reach my goal...but too bad...I can't get anybody who will not see it any other way. A silent struggle? Yeah...I guess so. Percentage of success? No idea. I guess that was why I was pretty worried.

It is a next phase for me. Working is a learning life too. I want somewhere where I can learn and be the best. And I am looking seriously into the issue of graduate studies. Very seriously

How well educated am I?

Education. What on earth is it anyway? Newspapers are bursting with news of graduates with low quality, no English command and whatsoever nonsense. Even my course lecturers are lamenting the quality of our graduates now. We may be well equipped with the knowledge in our specific major...seems like...we are getting more and more selfish. No la...selfish is too harsh a word...ignorant I think sounds better.

Today, in my course of Introduction to Peace and Humanities, there is a talk by Mr Anis who had once worked with the United Nations for quite some number of years. He came to talk to us about UN of course, and its role in peacekeeping. But half his lecture succeeded in revealing how darn ignorant can these so-called "educated" people can be. How these people, in the course of their own comfort zone in the now peaceful Malaysia, never really bothered about that happen to other people, other countries...and painfully narrow minded when it comes to general knowledge all these educated people should have known. I was probably one among the many in class that were ignorant to an extend.

He started off the talk with a few questions. The few...which lucky me..manage to answer all correct. Some were really my knowledge...some were a guess out of common sense. Here we go:

1. How many countries are there in the United Nations?
A) 200 B) 185 C) 192 D) 195
This question I definitely know the answer...partly was because hey, I love to read. Partly was because I heard this over and over again in gakkai...which mentioned that SGI has also 192 countries and territories in its membership.
He mentioned something very strict...many in class just give it a wild guess. Wild guessing is just like cheating...you do not know the answer and you just sapu one and hopefully you got it correct. Where in the world is your integrity? Nearly sweated when he said that. Can only say that, I was glad I know the answer as in..KNOW...not guess.

2. Who is the UN Secretary General
A) Kofi Adnan
B) Boutros Boutros Ghali
C) Ban Ki Moon
D) Barrack Obama
Well...I should say if anybody who call themselves students or educated and had no idea about the answer to this question should be seriously ashamed of themselves. Except for Obama, the rest of it are all Sec-Gen...just that Ban Ki Moon is the current one.

3. When is the UN formed?
A) 1914 B) 1946 C) 1945
Well...it is formed after WWII...1945

4. How many countries are there in Africa?
Too lazy to type his multiple choice. Generally I was half guessing this question as well. I heard of it before somewhere in my secondary school...But as he went on with his multiple choice, I and another student in class (only two people), chose the correct answer. But frankly speaking, even if you hunt online...it gives many differing answers anyway.
Why do majority of the class know nothing about the Africa continent? When he asked around for their first impression of Africa...nearly all are negative. No wonder... We already have a bad mindset.

5. How big is the population in Iraq?
Hm...I surprisingly got this right. His choices differ from 100 million to 17 million. Many who thought they are very well equipped with people because of so many wars, chose 100 million. I chose 17 million...because I thought many lives are probably wasted anyway... Actually, it is probably less than 17 million...

His talks are mainly to empower us to study hard, graduate well and contribute to the society.. Especially with the thought of working in United Nations. Hmm...nice point to ponder. But he also mention some 'disabilities' of students that can prevent this from happening...inability to communicate well in English, not outspoken, ignorant of the most basic questions like...how many countries are there in the world? Aiya...I don't even know...

How well educated am I huh?

Chinese New Year...

Just finished my 10am-12pm class. Now waiting for my 5pm class. Geez, what a way to arrange time table. But doesn't matter. The internet at the Chemistry Department is 10 times faster than the internet at my own home....can online...



I have just looked at my transcript. Felt terrible that I did not score better. There are a few expected results, but there are also a few unexpected ones. Now I am already in my final semester. What should I do to ensure a nice full transcript??



This semester is quite free and easy. I have full classes on Tuesday and Thursday, and one hour class on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I have lab though...so for the first 7 weeks, my Wednesday will extend to 5pm, and for the next 7 weeks, it will be Monday instead. I took a Chinese Painting co-curricular course, and I took an elective too. It is called Introduction to Peace and Humanities, taught by Dr Wendy Yee. The lecturer is a personal friend, but it is the first time I have seen her teach.



It was fun...hahaha. Very different from other classes...where the exam of this course is only 20%!! Where is the other 80%? It comes from attendance to classes, participation, individual assignments, group assignments, final project, and working voluntarily with an NGO (I am already in an NGO anyway...). It was just the second class today, and I have handed in an assignment and already planning a group assignment. I read a whole book about Gandhi, because we were required to write about his non-violence practice. Owed really, because I probably won't even bother to read that thick and old book (written a year after Gandhi's death) if it is not because of that assignment. I found I don't really know as much about him as I thought I did. His ideals are superb, but those who practicised it are even more superb. In this society that is so used to violence, some might even thought him stupid. But I find him fascinating...

Gandhi introduced satyagraha which is a name he placed for his passive resistance movement. The reasons why he did not use the word passive resistance is because he found some major difrerences between those two. Here I would like to share a few with you guys...

-If we continue to believe (and let others believe) that we are weak and therefore offer passive resistance, our resistance will never make us strong, and we will instead give it up as a weapon of the weak. However, by offering satyagraha believing ourselves to be strong, we will grow stronger everyday and we will never cast an opportunity to give it up.

-There is no scope of love in passive resistance, but in satyagraha, there is no presence of hatred

-In passive resistance there is a scope for the use of arms if needed, but in satyagraha physical force is forbidden even in the most favourable circumstances

-In passive resistance there is always an idea of harrasing the other party, but in satyagraha there is no remotest idea of injuring the opponent.

The above points are only some explanation of the 'weapon' Gandhi used to fight for Indian rights in South Africa, before he returned in India. He has won many battles there, and gain the trust of the whites and blacks alike, for he hated their policy, not the persons. Even the white government of Africa had mentioned to him that they rather he took to violence, because by then they would know how to get rid of him. But his practice of not even hurting his enemies has in turn make the government helpless and give in. What a way to win.

Tomorrow is final day of uni before our CNY break. Geez, finally, a holiday. Want to have some serious rest, sleep, and dialogues. Of course, have to settle some homeworks and stuff. But I think I should enjoy this year long CNY holiday compared to the shorter ones we have in the past 3 years in UM...

Hehehe...till we meet again